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The Therapy Website
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Humour "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive." A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it. Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?" HOW TO WRITE GOOD by Frank L. Visco My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules: Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. Contractions aren't necessary. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. One should never generalize. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." Comparisons are as bad as cliches. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. Profanity sucks. Be more or less specific. Understatement is always best. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. One-word sentences? Eliminate. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. The passive voice is to be avoided. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. Who needs rhetorical questions? A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The therapist asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The therapist looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the therapist said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them £50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the therapist, then leave. Finally the therapist asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £70; the Hilton charges £100. We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from Westfields." How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis... I mean ladder! Patient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You're thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a popular psychometric instrument popularized by Kiersey & Bates in "Please Understand Me". MBTI Types Prayers ISTJ: Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 am e.s.t. ISTP: God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. ESTP: God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask. ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right. ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking). ESFP: God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing. ESFJ: God give me patience, and I mean right NOW. INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?) INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta ENFP: God,help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time. ENFJ: God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing? INTJ: Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. INTP: Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. ENTP: Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thoughts, I'll settle for a few minutes ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo Amen. A man goes to a psychologist and tells the doctor, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The psychologist agrees to examine him and begins by showing him some ink blots. "What does this look like to you?" asks the doctor. "Two people having sex in a bed," replies the client. "And this one?" asks the doctor, showing a new ink blot. "Two people having sex in a car," says the client. "And how about this one?" "Two people having sex in a field." "Well," says the doctor, "you do seem to have an obsession with sex." "Me?!" demands the client, "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!" Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent. "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... She got fired too." A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on...." How can there be self-help "groups"? Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end has made an old man of me." The younger looking one look at his old looking friend incredulously asks, "You listen?" Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. (The following 2 aren’t therapy jokes but they tickled me…) Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Client: I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. Therapist: Why not? Client: I don't like to interrupt her. Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have. After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I could get her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. As the therapist completed an assessment of the client, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober" Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. A deeply religious lady was extremely depressed by her frequent sexual episodes. Neither daily prayer nor visits to her priest resolved her nymphomania, so she went to a psycho-analyst. After hearing the woman out, he told her that if she committed to twice weekly visits for the next six years, he could help her overcome her compulsive and excessive religiosity. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Have you heard the one about the woman who went to see a Therapist? "Please tell me what is wrong with me. I was standing at the jewellers counter. He had put a lot of rings out for me to look at. Then, when he turned his back to the counter I quickly transferred some rings from the counter to my bag. Please tell me. Am I suffering from kleptomania?" "No, No.” replied the therapist soothingly, "It is a simple example of Counter Transference." Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. A Child Psychologist was spending a holiday in laying a new drive to his garage. He had finished and was standing back to admire the perfect level surface when the small boy who lived next door rode up on his bike with great enthusiasm. Such was his momentum that he managed to get half way up the drive before collapsing in a sea of concrete. The Psychologist released his anger in a furious and unexpurgated outburst which brought the boy's mother out to see what was happening. "You, of all people," she exclaimed, "should have some sympathy and understanding - you are supposed to love children!" "Madam, I do" he replied, "in the abstract, but not in the concrete." A psychiatrist visited a psychiatric hospital and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!" If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us." A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Helpline: "Hello and welcome to the mental health helpline... If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly... If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you... If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6... If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and want what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call... If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship... If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press... If you are Manicly-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...no-one will answer... If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696... If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line... If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names... If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000... If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or After the beep. Please wait for the beep... If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later... I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said, if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Isn't it a bit unnerving that therapists call what they do "practice?" One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?" "It's not unusual" I passed my ethics exam. Of course, I cheated. Client: My wife thinks I need therapy because I like sausages. Therapist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Client: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them. A client comes for his first therapy session. He has a small cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Can you help me figure out what's wrong with me?" he asks the therapist. The therapist replies, "You're not eating properly." |
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