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Interruptions to Contact I’ve had requests to “put those Interruptions to Contact on the website”. The reasons they’ve given me have been that 1) they’re a good way of raising self-awareness and that 2) they also make a good guide to a more sophisticated form of people-watching! They may have a point and, if they do, this seems a good place to put them. What are Interruptions to Contact?: We are "in contact" when we are relating with full Awareness. However, we can develop ways of interrupting the flow of that "contact" as a mechanism for avoiding what we find difficult in it. We are often making these interruptions without realising and we all do some of them to some extent. If we are doing them (or one of them) all the time, then this will likely have an impact upon our relationships. One of the things a Gestalt Therapist will do is to raise your awareness of these interruptions as they happen in the therapy session. Introjection: Introjection refers to the process of swallowing something whole – or hook, line and sinker. It is not, however, simply a matter of showing naïve gullibility.
If I habitually introject, it means that I unquestioningly accept all that is given to me and take in these ideas immediately as authoritative “shoulds” - to the extent that they shape the very core of my personality. Explicit examples might be cultural rules such as “Children should be seen and not heard”, “Big boys don’t cry” or “Girls should always be ladylike”. Other examples are taken in more implicitly, such as “I should never disagree with those in authority”, “I will be ostracised if I show all my strengths” or “I am boring and nobody is interested in what I have to say”. Many introjects are acquired during childhood. It’s not what is swallowed that is significant here, but that the process of swallowing-whole in itself is a pervasive personality pattern that prevents me from forming my own beliefs, and so from forming the figure of my true self. Projection: This is where I have disowned an aspect of my personality that I cannot bear to know is mine. However, because that aspect cannot just disappear (and because it DOES exist, even though I have tuned it out) then I see it in other people instead of in myself. Often I project precisely those parts of me that I have introjected are unacceptable. For example, if I introjected that it is unacceptable to feel anger, then I will project my own anger onto those who are around me and see them as directing it back to me. This tends to result in me seeing lots of angry people in the world. Because I believe I don’t feel anger – yet feel it in the atmosphere so strongly (because it really exists in myself) – then the only option I have is to attach it to the people around me instead. Retroflection; This is where I do to myself that which I am unable to do to my environment, or to others. I might, for example, find myself grinding my teeth when I am (wisely) retroflecting my impulse to really snap at my line-manager. But if I never allow myself to act upon my natural impulses, then their energy’s only course is to turn back on itself – the energy must go somewhere! So I may find myself habitually clenching my fists, biting my nails or tongue and locking all my feelings inside. If all my potential reaching out to the world always remains a reaching in to myself, then I am not really relating to others at all. It takes a lot of energy to hold such feelings and impulses in check, and doing so comes at a cost. Because so much of my energy is being used in restraint then, if I habitually retroflect, I tend to feel drained of the common resources that we all need for living. Confluence: This is where I lose myself in the flow of the other. I become comfortingly swamped by the other person’s sense of self and merge with them so that we become one. I may feel panicky or empty if I don’t have somebody with whom to merge and so may go to some lengths to make sure that this never happens. I can be confluent with one person at a time or with a group, a crowd, or an ideology. I will know very little (if anything) about my differences to the people I'm identifying with, my own developed thinking and my separately emerging identity. Isolation: This, as its name suggests, is where I don’t open myself to the possibilities of meeting with the other – I don’t reach out to them and don’t respond to their attempts to reach in to me. I fear feelings of sameness and feel more comfortable when I focus on my feelings of difference. Should somebody come in too close, or if I lean too far into identifying with another (either a person or group) I am likely very quickly to feel swamped and to withdraw. Egotism: This is where I am unable to be spontaneous and all my actions are controlled. I may rehearse what I am about to say before I say it – not trusting myself to “freefall” within the fullness of the present tense. I may find myself making an internal commentary on the things I am doing rather than simply being within them. Egotism requires a vigilance that prohibits my ability to openly unleash myself into the freely improvised dance of living. It’s likely that I will never know what it’s like to lose myself in the moment. Desensitization: This is where I don’t tune in to my own sensations. This may be with regard to purely physical sensations, such as an injury or hunger. It may be with regard to a felt-emotion, such as the ache of sadness or the stomach-turning that comes with fear. I may desensitise myself to feelings that I’m uncomfortable with in general, such as embarrassment or shame. I am avoiding awareness of what I am feeling so I don’t make any connection with it at all. If I don’t feel it, and don't even register it, then it doesn’t exist. Deflection: This is where I block the impact the other is making upon me because it feels too overwhelming to receive. Lots of people commonly deflect a compliment – feeling awkward or embarrassed about how to gracefully take it. But if I habitually deflect then I won’t allow anything to get through to me from the other person. I am likely to be afraid of meaningful contact and intimacy, and will deflect from these in order to defend against the possibility of feeling touched by the other. Proflection: This is a combination of projection and retroflection. I partly place myself in the other person and partly forbid myself the things that I crave. So, in place of allowing them for myself, I give them to the other- who is also partly me. Examples would be putting my arm around someone when I really crave an arm around me, or buying a gift for a friend that I would really like for myself. For a deeper explanation of the theory you should go to "Gestalt Therapy:Excitement & Growth in the Human Personality" by Perls, Hefferline and Goodman. I find this to be dense and concentrated and brilliant. Gestalt Therapy (above book) at Amazon UK Sarah Fallon |
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